if i can run in heels then i can drive
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
