The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
