The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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