the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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