Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he fucked my hip out of place.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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