all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Randomize
