Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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