I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
