You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
