My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
