His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
