We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
