You don't have asthma, your pregnant
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
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