i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
