this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
