I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
