Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
