And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
