theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
