How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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