ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
