I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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