My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My bed is full of blood and feathers
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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