break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
