I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
