I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
