you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
