so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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