my shit smells like andre
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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