good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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