I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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