nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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