I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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