I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
