I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
