Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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