I heard we made out
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
either way he was missing a nipple.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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