Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
