So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
that is very illegal...i love you.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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