Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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