I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
