My nipple is on Facebook.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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