When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
