I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
