I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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