Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
