Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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