Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
