I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
