Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
