I smell stomach acid.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
