from now on my penis is your penis
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
