New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
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