I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
