I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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