at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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