Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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